From the Desk of Dr. Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD
Patient: America the Country (Self-Described as “Single But Untouchable”)
Session Nine
June 7, 2025
⚠️ Warning: Patient is heartbroken, armed with burner phones, and tweeting through it.

Transcript of Today’s Session:

Dr. KTC: You seem tense today, America.

America: Of course I’m tense, Doc. I’m going through a breakup. And not just any breakup. A national security-risk-level, headline-humping, billionaire-gone-berserk kind of breakup.

KTC: Let’s talk about that.

America: He was my everything, Doc. He had money, vision, weird little spaceman shoes. He said he loved me for my innovation, my chaos, my tax loopholes. We were perfect.

KTC: What changed?

America: HE changed. First, it was just weed gummies and Red Bull. Then it was microdosing ketamine like it was a smoothie booster. And now he’s out here posting about how the dollar is fake and democracy is mid.

KTC: That must be painful.

America: Painful?! He said The Big Bill sucks, Doc. That’s literally me. I’m the Big Bill! I AM THE BIG BILL!

KTC: You feel personally attacked.

America: He’s leaking my secrets, Klaus. Tech secrets, military whispers, internal memos—hell, I think he’s even seen the List. You know the one. The list no one talks about but everyone suddenly recognizes when it’s trending for 14 minutes. And last night he posted a selfie from NORAD and tagged it “meh.”

KTC: That’s a violation of trust.

America: No shit it is! He’s out here treating classified documents like an NFT drop. “Here’s me with a hypersonic missile and a Duck Dynasty filter. LMAO.” I let him into my heart, my satellites, my DMs—and now he’s spacing out and talking to Joe Rogan’s fedora about aliens and free speech.

KTC: Do you think he’s spiraling?

America: He’s moon-circling. The man live-tweeted a sex tape of his own personality disorder.

KTC: And how have you responded?

America: I unfollowed. I froze some assets. I leaked a few stories to the Washington Post about how he still calls it “X” even though literally no one else does.

KTC: Sounds like a revenge loop.

America: It’s not revenge, Doc—it’s patriotism. He’s messing with my infrastructure. He’s courting my enemies. Last week he said “Ukraine should chill” and then tried to date Putin on a dare.

KTC: That’s quite a pivot.

America: He thinks he’s untouchable. Just because he invented online payments and made a rocket shaped like a regret boner doesn’t mean he gets to cyberbully NASA.

KTC: Do you miss him?

America: …a little. He made me feel sexy. Powerful. Like I could defund the arts and fund space toilets in the same tweetstorm.

KTC: But now?

America: Now I feel like I dated my midlife crisis. He won’t stop texting me memes of himself as Caesar. Last night he DM’d, “Capitalism is dead. Long live me.” I blocked him. Then unblocked. Then hate-liked a thirst trap of him at Burning Man.

KTC: You’re still entangled.

America: He’s on every board. He knows all my passwords. One time I joked about nuking the moon and he built a rocket.

KTC: Do you feel like you’ve lost control?

America: I feel like I’m living in his fanfic. And it’s badly written. Like Ayn Rand, but on shrooms.

KTC: So what now?

America: I don’t know, Doc. I’m scared to dump him completely. What if he sells my data to… Europe?

KTC: You could set boundaries.

America: Yeah, but every time I say “boundaries,” he buys another media platform and calls it “free speech real estate.”

KTC: What would it look like to choose peace?

America: Probably like therapy goats and debt ceilings and not waking up to find my ex built a mind-reading Tesla for toddlers.

KTC: Could you live with that?

America: I have to. The country deserves better than being in a toxic situationship with a tech god on mushrooms.

KTC: Good day, America.

America: Tell Claudia not to forward any calls from anyone named “Visionary, LLC.”

Final Notes:

Patient is experiencing severe boundary collapse and post-breakup paranoia, exacerbated by his ex’s erratic drug-fueled behavior and tech omnipresence. Shows classic signs of national narcissistic injury: betrayal, overcompensation, fear of obsolescence. Recommending immediate emotional disentanglement and reduced access to social media.

Personal Note:

Claudia—change office Wi-Fi password. Patient’s ex tried to beam in via neural link again. I’m not joking.