*** Warning: these notes are for personal and private use only ***

Monday, June 14, 2021

From the Desk of Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD

Notes:

• Patient Name: America, United States of
• Nickname: Uncle Sam
• Birth Date: 7/4/1776
• Age: 245-years
• Weight: 60.76 billion collective pounds (<<< possible obesity situation)
• Height: @ 5’ 9”
• Religion: Agnostic but leaning towards Christianity while dabbling in Buddhism
• Health Plan: out-of-pocket

Partial transcript of today’s session:

Dr. Klaus T Corbin: Hello, America. Please, have a seat.

America: Come on, Doc. Call me Uncle Sam. Notice anything different?

KTC: Well … Uncle Sam, it looks like you’ve trimmed your beard.

A: Yup. Also got a new suit and took a bath. Had to go meet up with some foreigners I know over at the G7. I clean up nice, huh Doc?

KTC: You certainly seem more energized this week.

A: Hell yeah, I just snorted an Adderall. Well, two, so I’m flying.

KTC: Uncle Sam, it concerns me that you’re using drugs and alcohol together.

A: Yeah, well it concerns me that your office smells like Old Spice and beef nachos and that you blast Barry Manilow in your waiting room and that you’re wearing brown shoes with that black suit of yours, but you don’t hear me complaining.

KTC: Now you seem on edge.

A: Hell yeah I’m on edge. All you ever do is bring up my negatives. What about my positives?

KTC: We can talk about those today, Uncle Sam. What would you consider to be your best qualities?

A: Where do I start? Fact: I’m good looking – my lakes and oil reserves are deep, my mountains are solid, and I’m sure you’ve seen the size of my Florida. Heh.

KTC: Go on.

A: Fact: I’m loaded AND I’m the most generous country in the world.

KTC: Is that true?

A: Look it up, Doc. Got the #1 GDP and I’ve been #1 on the World Giving Index for over a decade.

KTC: How does that level of wealth and generosity make you feel?

A: Half the time like a champ, the other half like a chump.

KTC: In what way?

A: All the other countries think I’m a sucker for giving away cash to the broke folk.

KTC: Why are you so concerned about what other countries think of you?

A: See? There you go again talking about my flaws.

Note: Patient is sweating profusely and grinding his teeth.

KTC: You said that earlier, that all I do is bring up your negatives. Talk about that some more.

A: Yeah, you seem to get off on pointing out my flaws, Doc, like you’re so perfect.

KTC: You do understand that it’s my job to help you face all those shadowy parts of yourself as a country.

A: Well, shit, Doc, you’re really earning your money there. All we ever do is talk about what a dick America apparently is. But I’m a fucking awesome country.

KTC: Tell me, Uncle Sam, are you uncomfortable talking with me about your shortcomings?

A: What shortcomings? I’m the greatest country in the world. AmIright?

KTC: Uncle Sam, you know that’s not true. Right now overall you’re ranked sixth best in the world.

A: Oh, that’s right, your side squeeze Canada is supposedly number one.

KTC: Do you feel you deserve that honor more than she does?

A: That syrup-slurping racist lumber whore acts holier than though with her arm candy Prime Minister surrounded by all those horse-humping Mounties and toothless goalies. No way she’s number one.

KTC: Among blatant stereotypes, you just called Canada a racist.

A: So? It’s true. Ask an Aboriginal.

KTC: What about you, Uncle Sam. Are you a racist?

A: Nope.

KTC: Hm.

A: Hm what?

KTC: You don’t consider yourself even a little racist as a country?

A: Used to be. Not anymore. Next subject.

Note: Patient has covered his ears and is singing Copa Cabana; this lasts for almost a minute.

KTC: Are you uncomfortable talking about your racist tendencies, Uncle Sam?

A: Old news. Been there, done that, moved on. Next subject.

KTC: Have you considered the possibility that you might still have some of that in you?

A: Some of what in me, racism? Pff, impossible.

KTC: Why is that?

A: I don’t know, ask my first black president, Barack? Or Oprah? Or any one of the three Michaels?

KTC: Three?

A: Jordan? Jackson? Jaggar? Take your pick.

KTC: Wait, Mick Jaggar isn’t Black.

A: Agree to disagree. Point is, can’t be racist and be responsible for that many black millionaires.

KTC: But Uncle Sam, have you examined yourself systemically?

A: You mean like when I hired Lewis and Clark to explore my untamed wilderness? Those idiots couldn’t find even one woolly mammoth.

KTC: I’m more wondering, do you think it could be true that critical parts of your American society were structured at a time when blatant racism ruled your choices? And that now there is an entire group of people still suffering the consequences of those unfairly designed systems you set up back then and still use today?

A: Haters gonna hate, Doc. Whiners gonna whine.

KTC: You don’t feel at all responsible for their current situation?

A: What situation? I’ve got black NFL quarterbacks now, black CEO’s and GM’s, and I got the Rock, whatever he is.

KTC: What if all those achievements were made despite a clear disadvantage on an unfair playing field?

A: Not my job to spoon feed Americans, Doc.

KTC: But Uncle Sam, you’re forgetting that not that long ago, you thought it was perfectly okay to own those people like livestock.

A: Oh, come on. We’ve all done stupid shit when we were young.

KTC: Now that you’re older and wiser…

A: Goddamn right I am.

KTC: …how beneficial do you think it might be for your personal growth to examine how your blatantly racist past is still affecting your present day societal systems?

A: I’d kinda rather do shots and another line of Addys.

Note: Patient has snorted a white substance from a pinky nail and has taken a swig from his flask.

KTC: Perhaps it’s time to take another look at all your systems: financial, judicial, educational, health, real estate, access to voting; all the systems that still seem rigged against people of color thanks to your old Jim Crow laws.

A: Oh, come on, Jim and I haven’t talked for years, Doc. I’ve even taken down most of his statues and flags.

KTC: But what if those concerns are true? Aren’t you interested in making that right?

A: Ugh, too much work, not enough payoff. Where’s the profit in pickin’ at those old scabs?

KTC: Perhaps this particular issue isn’t about money.

A: Then perhaps you’re talking to the wrong country, Doc.

KTC: How do you mean?

A: I’m the United States of Fucking America, pal. Either maximize my profits or get me laid. Otherwise, I have zero interest in what the fuck you’re selling.

KTC: Let’s calm down, Uncle Sam. Please have a seat again. This racism issue is a touchy one, I know.

A: What the fuck, Doc? For years now I’ve done everything everyone’s asked of me. I freed my slaves – that cost me a bundle. I let them go to school now and vote. I even let them drink from the same damn water fountains as everyone else. What more do they want?

KTC: It could be that, ahem, “they” want what you promise all Americans.

A: High Def?

KTC: No, true equality.

A: Shit, equality? That’s what they want? Are you serious? Equality … that was meant as a joke. It was part of a dumb slogan Jefferson came up with at the beginning when we were all hammered on mead and brainstorming our marketing funnels.

KTC: Regardless, at this point all your citizens are expecting it.

A: We even put “all men are created equal” just so the joke would be clear. Little Jimmy Madison warned us that women, blacks and the working class would never get the equality schtick.

KTC: Well, your racism issue isn’t going to go away by ignoring it, Uncle Sam.

A: What do these people want from me? Why are they teaching the kids about what a racist dick I used to be?

KTC: Maybe just stop a minute and listen to what your people of color have to say.

A: What? Please.

KTC: Perhaps you can figure out a way to sit down publicly with the Americans having trouble seeking equality and just hear them out. Then maybe tweak a few of those things that don’t seem right.

A: Ugh. That Oprah shit makes me want to throw up.

KTC: Uncle Sam, does the thought of listening to their painful truths make you that uncomfortable?

A: Of course it does since their truth involves me being the bad guy once again.

KTC: What if by listening to their concerns and adjusting you become the good guy?

A: Sounds great on paper, but my bosses would never go for it. Doesn’t pay the bills.

KTC: Your bosses?

A: Whoops, my what? Aren’t we out of time yet?

KTC: Yes, in fact we are.

A: Great, see you next week, Doc. I’ll think about what you said.

KTC: You mean about finally being accountable for whatever systemic racism still exists in you?

A: Sure, but I think I’ll turn it into a huge festival with live music and merch. Call it the The American Racial Reckoning, get Nike and Budweiser to sponsor it. Hire Snoop Dogg and Kevin Hart to emcee. 

KTC: Uncle Sam, perhaps for such an important historical moment it would be more appropriate and effective to feature well-respected thought leaders of color like the Obamas and Kamala Harris and Cornel West and Rosalind Brewer and Desmond Upton Patton and Amanda Gorman and D. L. Hughley and maybe even Jane Elliot. 

A: Who? How about Oprah and Denzel and Will Smith and either Sam Jackson or Laurence Fishburne, whichever one of them was in the Matrix. Tyler Perry and the Wayans Brothers can co-produce this thing. Morgan Freeman can do the voice overs.

KTC: I think you’re missing the…

A: It’s brilliant, Doc. We’re gonna make millions ending my racism. It’s so American.

KTC: Good day, Uncle Sam.

A: Goddamn right it is.

Final Notes:

• Patient caught in a manic upswing brought on by mixing alcohol and crushed Adderall.  
• Touched some nerves, circle back on slavery, tie in with native issues.
• Maximizing profits and “getting laid” – possible theme

Personal Note: 

• Have Claudia rent “The Matrix”