KTC: Welcome back, Uncle Sam. What would you like to talk about today?

America: Big ideas, Doc. Huge. I’ve been thinking… it’s time I make Canada the 51st state.

KTC: That’s… unexpected. Why now?

America: Why not? They’re already hanging on the porch. We share a border, fast food, and passive-aggressive Christmas cards. It’s time to make it official. They need me.

KTC: Do they?

America: Hell yeah. They’re too polite to admit it, but deep down, they want in. They want the chaos. The drama. The Waffle House energy. They’re tired of being background actors in global politics. I’m giving them a lead role — in my show.

KTC: And what would this “adoption” look like?

America: Easy. We swap poutine for cheese fries, legalize guns in hockey fights, and make Tim Hortons a Starbucks subsidiary. Boom — integration complete.

KTC: I see. And what do you gain?

America: Free health care — I mean, partnership in health innovation. Also moose. Real estate. More white people to balance my diversity stats. And let’s be honest, I could use their manners as an emotional support system.

KTC: Do you think perhaps this is about something deeper?

America: What, like abandonment issues? Not everything is about my mother, Doc.

KTC: I was thinking more about insecurity. Are you feeling… overshadowed?

America: Overshadowed?! Please. I’m the sun. Canada’s just a snowglobe with good PR. But lately people keep saying they’re number one in quality of life, education, health care… I’m over here yelling “FREEDOM” with a bald eagle and they’re quietly kicking my ass in literacy rates.

KTC: So, you’re annexing them… out of envy?

America: No! I’m annexing them out of love. Like a shotgun wedding — but with tanks and waffles.

KTC: What if they say no?

America: They won’t. Canadians are genetically incapable of refusing anything. I could ask them to fight a bear with a pool noodle and they’d apologize to the bear.

KTC: What if you tried… coexisting? Respecting boundaries?

America: Doc. I don’t do boundaries. I draw them. Poorly. With crayons.

KTC: You sound lonely, America.

America: I’m not lonely. I’ve got 50 kids, a toxic relationship with Puerto Rico, and a restraining order from Greenland. I’m busy.

KTC: Still, I sense a yearning for connection — one that doesn’t involve dominance.

America: (long pause) …I just want someone to watch hockey with and mean it.

KTC: That’s a start.

America: I’ll send them a gift basket. Moose jerky, Bud Light, and a U.S. passport.

KTC: Perhaps try a conversation first.

America: So, no tanks?

KTC: No tanks.

America: (sighs) Fine. But I’m still putting my name on their Netflix account.

KTC: Good day, America.

America: You bet your polite little ass it is, Doc.