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Dr. KTC: Welcome back, Uncle Sam. Please, have a seat.

America: Don’t mind if I do. I brought my own chair, by the way — custom-built, American oak, upholstered in bald eagle hide. Supports my back and my legacy.

KTC: Impressive.

America: Goddamn right it is. Like everything I do.

KTC: I understand you’ve been making some new policy moves.

America: Moves? Doc, I’m making power statements. I slapped tariffs on half the planet last month. Boom — instant alpha.

KTC: Can you tell me why you imposed them?

America: Because I can, Klaus. I’m the biggest wallet at the global poker table. I’m the main course. Everyone else? Side salad. You think I’m gonna just let other countries sneak their discount rice and sad little scooters into my market without paying tribute? Hell no.

KTC: So tariffs are about tribute?

America: Everything is. You wanna access my people? My consumers? My sweet, gullible capitalism junkies? Then you cough up the toll. This ain’t a Costco — it’s an empire.

KTC: Would you say this is about asserting dominance?

America: Doc, I don’t assert dominance. I radiate it. I am the LeBron James of punitive trade policy. Except sexier. And with nuclear capability.

KTC: But what happens when other countries retaliate?

America: Let ‘em. Bring it. I dare the EU to slap me back with tariffs on bourbon or blue jeans. I’ll just charge ‘em triple for Teslas and force-feed them ranch dressing until they break.

KTC: So your strategy is escalation?

America: No, Doc — it’s business kaboom. I keep everyone on their toes. China never knows if I’m gonna raise tariffs, hack their TikTok, or launch a fireworks show from space that spells “SUCK IT.” Keeps ’em guessing. Keeps me on top.

KTC: And how is this affecting your citizens?

America: They’re thriving, Klaus. Thrilled to pay seven bucks for bananas if it means we win the banana war. They love the drama. They love me. I’m economic theater, baby. And the lead role isn’t Switzerland.

KTC: Do you worry you’re alienating your allies?

America: Pfft. Allies are just competitors I haven’t humiliated yet. Germany wants a trade deal? Let’s talk… after they admit who invented jazz and the cheeseburger.

KTC: Uncle Sam, do you ever feel like you’re using economic leverage to compensate for emotional insecurity?

America: (chuckles) That’s adorable. No. I use economic leverage because I’m a global superstud with a GDP that makes other nations blush. Insecurity is for democracies with feelings. I prefer steel.

KTC: I hear a deep fear of losing control beneath the bluster.

America: What you hear is confidence. Big, throbbing, debt-backed confidence. I’m the only country that can owe 34 trillion and still strut like a prom queen on payday.

KTC: But if the tariffs backfire—

America: They won’t. I’ve got contingency plans. I tariff the tariffed goods. I sue Canada for being too smug. I rename French fries again. I win, Klaus. It’s my brand.

KTC: What if winning means hurting those inside you?

America: They’ll survive. They always do. Because deep down they know I’m Daddy. I’m the reason they can eat Thai takeout in sweatpants while binge-watching British crime dramas.

KTC: You think they admire that?

America: They worship it. I’m the goat. The Godfather. The economic wrestler with perfect entrance music. I come in to “Born in the USA” and leave with everyone’s wallet.

KTC: We’re out of time.

America: Of course we are. Because time fears me. See you next week, Doc. Or sooner — if someone else dares try to sell me duty-free mangoes.