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*** Warning: these notes are for personal and private use only ***

Monday, May 17, 2021

From the Desk of Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD

Initial Notes, pre-session – re. new client:

• Name: America the Country
• Nickname: Uncle Sam
• Birth Date: 7/4/1776
• Age: 245-years
• Weight: 60.76 billion collective pounds (<<< possible obesity situation)
• Height: @ 5’ 9”
• Religion: Agnostic
• Health Plan: out-of-pocket
• At his initial consultation, America told check-in specialist (Claudia) that he’s been suffering from major depression and social anxiety mixed with violent tendencies
• symptoms include unchecked weight gain, financial struggles, difficulty with business and personal relationships, unbalanced priorities, loss of purpose
• has never been to psychotherapist prior, has expressed doubts about the process, said it was for “wimps and celebrities”
• (Claudia note: possible unresolved parental issues, narcissism, in denial of a guilt-complex)

Partial transcript of today’s session:

Klaus T Corbin: Hello, America, welcome to my office. Please make yourself at home.

America: This couch is hell-a comfortable, Doc, love the plush full-grain leather. Charolais?

KTC: Yes, you know your leather, excellent. I’m glad it suits you.

A: Goddamn right I know my leather. Got 94.4 million heads of cattle and calves on my property. And that doesn’t even count the milk cows, got millions of those, too, all over my land. Fuckin’ A right I know my leather.

KTC: That’s impressive.

A: Goddamn right it is. I do 20% of the worlds’ beef, Doc. Huge share of that market.

KTC: Hm.

A: Hm what? What was the “hm” for? You judging me for being successful in the cattle biz? For being proud that I done good? Bet I make more than you in a year.

KTC: America, do you feel the need to impress me?

A: What? No, I’m just telling you like it is, Doc. I pulled in $5,4 trillion last year. That’s with a ‘T,’ not a ‘B.’ What’d you make?

KTC: Tell me why you’re here, America.

A: Eh, I don’t know. If you want to know the truth, it’s against my will. My new administration thought it might be a good idea for me to “seek help” after what I’ve just been though. They’re into this kinda shit.

KTC: But you don’t think you need my help? Or therapy?

A: Hell no, Doc. No offense, but I didn’t become the best country in the entire goddamn world by seeing shrinks and crying about my problems on a sweet Charolais settee. I did it by pulling myself up by my bootstraps and working my buttes off. Heh. Get it? Buttes? It’s a topography joke.

[Note: patient shows childish fascination with body humor, high-fives self each time he passes gas, which is often]

KTC: Is that how you see yourself, America, as the best country in the world?

A: It’s not just how I see myself, Doc, it’s how the world sees me.

KTC: Hm.

A: There’s that goddamn “hm” again. What?

KTC: You say you’re the best in the world. What makes you believe that?

A: Oh, I don’t know, a little something called statistics? Google it. I’m the best country in the world.

KTC: Actually, Uncle Sam … may I call you that?

A: Huh? Yeah sure, go for it.

KTC: I did look it up before you arrived, Uncle Sam. According to the U.S. News & World Report’s yearly Best Countries Ranking, Canada is currently number one in the world.

A: That’s what I meant, North America, and the U.S. is number two on that list I bet.

KTC: No. Number two is Japan. Then Germany, Switzerland, Australia, then you.

A: Wait, that list says I’m only the sixth best country in the world?

KTC: Yes, it does.

A: Bullshit. Fake news.

[Note: patient’s ‘alternative facts’ theory indicates a dependence on tribalism, possible dementia]

KTC: How does being in sixth place make you feel, Uncle Sam?

A: Makes me feel like you and that U.S. News and World of Bullshit better recount those goddamn votes.

KTC: What if they are correct? How would that make you feel?

A: Like somebody better read a history book and get their facts right.

KTC: You’re not telling me how that makes you feel, America. Why is that?

A: Fuck my feelings, fuck your feelings, and fuck this place.

KTC: That’s hostile. You’re angry.

A: Goddamn right I’m angry. I’m sick and tired of everybody telling me how much I suck when I’m the best goddamn country in the world.

KTC: Sixth best.

A: Fuck you.

[Note: patient rants for five straight minutes about being the “best country in the world”; could indicate delusional psychosis, possible paranoid disorder]  

KTC: Your anger is understandable, America. You are allowed to feel it. However,  it’s my job is to help you delve further. It’s only by getting to the root of your anger that you will ever be able to let it go and move on.

A: Oh, you don’t even want to know what pisses me off, Doc.

KTC: Actually, I do, but unfortunately we’ve run out time.

A: Wait. My watch says that was only 50 minutes and I paid for a goddamn hour.

KTC: That’s just the way it’s done so that I can get a quick mental break between clients.

A: What, so I gotta pay you to go on break? Now you sound like the goddamn unions.

KTC: We’ll pick this up again when I see you next week.

A: Not if I can help it.

KTC: You don’t think you’ll make your appointment?

A: I’m just busting your balls, Doc, relax. I’ll be here. Otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it from my V.P.

KTC: Very well, I’ll see you then.

A: You got your work cut out for you, Doc, I’m a fucking mess.

KTC: Perhaps, but you’re taking the first step by coming here. That’s a wonderful thing you’re doing for yourself.

A: That’s what she said.

KTC: I’m sorry, who said?

A: It’s a joke. From the Office? Steve Carell? Forget it.

KTC: We’ll talk more about that next week.

A: Whatever, Doc. Smell you later.

KTC: Good day, America.

Final Notes, post-session:

• patient seems to suffer from narcissistic tendencies coupled by a denial of whatever reality does not line up with his preconceived notions.
• There is a crudeness and immaturity to him that he uses to distance himself from me and, above all, from recognizing the truth.
• America has trouble expressing his feelings and hearing critical feedback.
• Suffers from a need to impress and dominate.
• Highly focused on money and social hierarchy.

Personal notes:

• patient smelled strongly of marijuana, alcohol, and French fries, still lingering.
• (Claudia, plz use petty cash to purchase jumbo  Febreze)