*** Warning: these notes are for personal and private use only ***

Monday, May 24, 2021

From the Desk of Klaus Terrance Corbin, MD

Notes:

• Patient Name: America, United States of
• Nickname: Uncle Sam
• Birth Date: 7/4/1776
• Age: 245-years
• Weight: 60.76 billion collective pounds (<<< possible obesity situation)
• Height: @ 5’ 9”
• Religion: Agnostic
• Health Plan: out-of-pocket

Partial transcript of today’s session:

Dr. Klaus T Corbin: Good morning, America, welcome back. Make yourself comfortable.

America: Hiya, Doc, long time no see, huh? Geezus, smells like a cranberry farted in here.

KTC: Apologies. That’s the Febreze.

A: Whew, that stuff could burn a hole in the ozone. Not that I’d stop you from doing that. Heh heh.

KTC: You don’t believe in protecting the environment?

A: Eh, been there, done that. Got tired of leading the pack and paying for everything like a sucker.

KTC: That’s understandable.

A: Goddamn right it is, Doc. You can’t get the Chinese and the Indians – the ones from India, not mine – to stop spittin’ out that CO2. They both churn that shit out like black cotton candy. If they don’t care, why should we? 

Note: reminder to explore patient’s rocky relationship with his native citizens 

KTC: Tell me, Uncle Sam, does leading the world environmentally make you uncomfortable?

A: Sheeyit. If by uncomfortable you mean pissed off, then hell yeah, I’m majorly “uncomfortable.” As in “sweaty balls on a hot vinyl car seat in the middle of Miami” uncomfortable.

KTC: Explore that anger, America.

A: What’s to explore? A sucker’s born every minute and nice guys finish last. I’m tired of being the world’s biggest chump.

KTC: You see being a leader in the worldwide push towards green energy as being a sucker or a chump?

A: Why do I always gotta do the right thing, Doc? Why should I get my ass crack all sweaty trapping wind and solar energy like some Naked and Afraid asshole while everybody else in the world is having a grand old time burning coal and oil and selling smack and hookers making beaucoup bucks?

Note: patient exhibits sexual hunger and a subconscious fear of his own nudity.

KTC: Sometimes leadership requires sacrifice.

A: No shit, Sherlock. You don’t think I’ve been sacrificing my ass off? You know how many fat military contracts I’ve had to drop because the internet got everybody soft on war? 

KTC: Talk about that for a bit.

A: It’s simple. Thanks to Google and YouTube, we can’t kill foreigners for their oil and diamonds anymore like in the good old days. Not without everyone pissing and moaning about civilian casualties and mommy and daddy soldiers missing Christmas back home. It’s costing me a fortune.

KTC: Some might argue that’s a good thing.

A: Tell that to all the families of the Industrial War Complex who are just trying to feed their chubby families. 

Note: patient again has begun to clip his fingernails and cuticles – have Claudia vacuum on Monday evenings now

KTC: Tell me, Uncle Sam, how has this major shift in military policy affected you as a county?

A: Well, let’s just say I’m having to make ends meet in “other” ways.

KTC: And you consider having an evolving economy a bad thing?

A: I don’t know, Doc. It’s just that they got me doing sports betting and selling weed right now. I swore I’d never get to this point but I gotta make ends meet somehow.

KTC: There are scientifically proven health benefits to ingesting cannabis and CBD oil.

A: Meh.

KTC: Excuse me?

A: Sorry. I’m sort of meh on science these days.

KTC: You do realize that science is an area of expertise where you are number one in the world?

A: Yeah, but a lot of these new scientific findings go against my religion.

KTC: I’m sorry, America, I have you listed as Agnostic.

A: That was the old me, Doc. The new me is thinking a lot more about white Jesus these days.

Note: patient has taken his fifth sip from the flask he has brought to our session, smells like bourbon, possible alcoholism.

KTC: Uncle Sam, isn’t part of your historical claim to fame a clear division between church and state?

A: That’s bullshit. Fake news.

KTC: Those are literally the words of your founding fathers.

A: Look, Doc, I’m fighting for survival here. There are a lot of crazy goddam Socialists right now trying to do Socialist things to make me more Socialist. God and Jesus are my only protection from all that.

KTC: Talk more about what you mean by “Socialist”?

A: You know, giving free money to the deadbeats and immigrants instead of forcing them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps like me and my founding fathers did.

KTC: First of all, that’s not how Democratic Socialism is defined, and second of all, I believe you and most of your founding fathers created your initial wealth using slave labor.

A: Potayta, potahtah, Doc, we’re all in the same boat here in America so nobody deserves a handout.

KTC: Wouldn’t a more apt metaphor be that we’re all in the same storm, but some of us are in yachts, others in canoes, and still others don’t even have a boat?

A: Yeah, I saw that meme, too, Doc, and it’s wrong. America’s got the best goddam boat in the world. Make’s Noah’s look stupid. Check this out.

Note: patient spent the next few minutes attempting to show me his favorite memes.

KTC: I’m sorry, Uncle Sam, but I’m afraid we’re about out time here….

A: I know, I know, it’s time for your little mental break between sessions that I have to pay for.

KTC: Do you not believe in taking a moment to rest your mind?

A: Eh, I don’t go in for that weak Oprah shit, no offense, Doc.

KTC: Uncle Sam, perhaps it’s this relentless need for you to maximize your profits without giving equal priority to things like paid mental breaks and maternity leaves that has caused less than half of your workers to be satisfied with their jobs right now.

A: Not my job to make people happy, Doc. Not when I’m making them all that money.

KTC: That may be true for 1% of your citizens, Uncle Sam. But what about the other 99%? 

A: Eh, that’s what cable TV and social media are for. Keeps ’em too busy to care.

KTC: Let’s talk more about that next week. I’ll see you then.

A: Not if I see you first, Doc.

KTC: Hm?

A: I’m just fucking with you.

KTC: Good day, America.

A: Time to get wasted.

Final Notes, post-session:

• classic case of emotional denial, explore patient’s reluctance to prioritize his feelings
• possible transference from disruptive childhood due to abandoning English parents / leaving home at a young age with unresolved anger 
• go deeper on patient’s ‘Indian’ situation, focus on deniability, lack of accountability, etc., see similar pre-notes on patient’s ‘slavery’ issue

Personal notes:

• patient wore same clothes as last week, have Claudia scrub couch with vinegar