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Let’s get something straight: bombing isn’t the worst thing a standup can do. In fact, bombing is like falling off a bike—if you’re not doing it once in a while, you’re probably not pushing hard enough. No, the real sins of standup go deeper. They’re the lazy habits, the rookie mistakes, the “I’m the exception” moves that make bookers ghost you and comics talk trash behind your back at the bar.

So, if you’re serious about being a working comic—not just a once-a-month mic-dropper—avoid these ten career-killing clunkers:

1. Show Up Drunk

Yes, you get free drinks. No, that doesn’t mean you should show up lit like a Christmas tree in July. Being a little loose can help. Being sloppy makes the audience nervous, the manager furious, and your punchlines sound like voicemail ramblings from a guy living in a van. Celebrate after the set. Not during it.

2. Arrive Late

Rolling in five minutes before showtime like you’re headlining Madison Square Garden? Nope. Be there at least 30 minutes early. Let the booker know you’re in the building. If they have to wonder where you are, they’re already wondering if they should ever book you again.

3. Miss the Gig

Your calendar is your comedy bible. If you say yes to a show, tattoo it on your soul (and maybe also in Google Calendar). If you do have to cancel, send the booker a few solid replacements. Don’t make it harder for them to rebook you—make it easier.

4. Curse When Asked Not To

If the club wants a clean show, give them one. You’re not being “edgy” by slipping in a “shit” or “fuck” when you were told not to—you’re being lazy and disrespectful. You wouldn’t swear during a church gig (unless you’re invited to).

5. Dress Like You Just Woke Up in the Parking Lot

Look, comedy’s casual—but don’t show up in torn cargo shorts and a stained anime tank top. The audience paid money. Look like someone worth watching. Dress one click above them. The rule: don’t look like a confused cousin who wandered on stage during karaoke night.

6. Insult the Club, Staff, or Show

This should be obvious, but apparently it’s not: don’t talk shit about the people giving you stage time. That includes the club, the staff, the other comics, and the audience. Banter is fine. Ripping the hand that feeds you? Not fine. Unless you’re trying to book fewer gigs.

7. Blow Your Light or Short Your Time

There is a sacred covenant between comedians: do your time. Not more, not less. More than your time? You’re stealing stage minutes from your fellow comics. Less than your time? You’re screwing up the show’s pacing and annoying the booker. Watch for the light. Respect it like it’s the last donut.

8. Steal Jokes

You wouldn’t steal someone’s wallet—so don’t steal their material. This isn’t 1982. Comics work hard to build original sets. If you need to steal to be funny, consider taking up improv (zing). Be original or be forgotten.

9. Talk During Other Comics’ Sets

We can hear you. That side-stage whisper? That’s not a whisper. That phone light? It’s a spotlight in our eyes. Don’t be the comic chatting loudly while someone else is up there dying. We all take turns. Shut up and let them flail in peace.

10. Touch the Audience

Even if they heckle you. Even if they throw a drink. Unless you’re defending yourself from an actual assault, keep your damn hands to yourself. You’re not a bouncer. That’s what security is for. You start swinging and suddenly it’s your set going viral for all the wrong reasons.

Final Thought:

Being a professional doesn’t start when the mic turns on—it starts when you enter the building. Comedy is a business, and in this business, your rep walks into the room before you do. So don’t be the comic everyone warns others about. Be the one they want to book again.

Now go be funny. And sober. And clothed.